you ?

i know i have "closed" this blog in a unofficial way but im in a path tt are so unsure..

i have no way to express.. in the past weeks i can onli use alchol to ease myself.. which i always think tt is the stupidest way.. i din expect i fall on to the same trap..

i fall on a ger, who my good friend is interested on..

its all happen when i intro them for mj session.. and a few mj sessions going on.. i realised that this friend of mine seems to be contacting her undertable.. okie, first by fb, than msn, and than hp.. than i realised when he sms her, if im ard, he will be careful without letting me noe.. but he dunno, i see that everything.. im thinking okie la friend nia, why cannot sms rite ! everyone have the rights to make friend, more or less im the one who intro each other.. but one day..

on a event of bd session, i attended with this good friend, A and some other friends to a ktv, i realised that he had been msging her when i used his hp to play game.. immed, i put down the phone and i drag myself to drink.. i drink alot.. to the limit.. and at one pt.. he msg her beside me.. omg, i cant stand that kind of environment.. i have to leave.. so i left the room.. and sit along the spore river.. looking on the river.. and realised tt i do mind.. i think i have fall on her, despite noe her since secondary..

eventually i told myself.. i backoff.. and let him woo her.. so i told A i have never love her before, i treat her as xiao mei mei.. courage him to go for her.. but it really discomfort when we go out in a grp.. i have to act heck care.. and always ask A to send her home.. or told A , where is she, ask him to pick up her.. even im at nearby her area.. sometime i use my tiredness to hide..

but what happened yest.. make me think another way.. i was suppose to pick her up after her drinking session.. waited for her 2hrs.. call her no reply, msg no respond.. and when reply.. she say she on the way home.. A picked her up.. she did told me tt A is at nearby.. and i told her tt since he at nearby, than u sit his car home.. i will be more happy tt is A send her home than any of her colleague.. but than.. when i called her.. her tone seems angry.. and we ended call pretty fast on the nite.. i thnk she is angry.. so i msg her told her tt could we tok on phone, and we did.. i explained to her that doesnt matter who send her back, as long she is safe can le.. but i think she angry cos i push her away when she told me A is ard nearby.. i ask her today morning when we go for lunch.. she diverted the question and avoiding.. so i explained.. and say sorry.. and i think she realised tt i waited her for 2hrs, i suppose to be the one angry, yet she flamed on me just becos i push her away.. i think she mind.. like wat i do.. tt why we will explain to each other..

see now the whole picture seems changed.. now its like.. there might be something growing.. but seems like im the one keep denied and pushing her away.. my friend told me im stupid, and dumb, they say sooner or later.. she will get sick of pushing away by me and just heck care.. sigh..

i actually intened to tell her everything tonite.. but she duwan me to pick her up.. now she having supper.. sigh.. i think abit fan la.. keep asking wana send her home anot.. fucking idiot rite.

next time i starts my new work.. i hope, tt i could buried myself in it.. at least for the time being..